How To Poop At Work.

Green P1 · July 2, 2008

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom

UNTLifer · July 2, 2008

Very helpful information that should be included in all new hire orientations.

Green P1 · July 2, 2008

I've experienced, or had a run in with, every item on the list, just never knew the proper terminology.

There is nothing worse in this world than a Turd Burglar.

yyz28 · July 2, 2008

This should be posted next to the "labor laws" poster at all places of employment.

LongJim · July 2, 2008

Classic.

I'm down with OCP, myself.

Censored by Laurie · July 2, 2008

You sir are a true P1 and I salute you.

I am an OCP more out of necessity than pride...I have to have something to read whilst doing God's most foul work.

I am also a safe haven expert...not at work as we have a small office and just the one mens room...but when on vacation or for a night out I have an ornate ability to locate safe pooping quarters. Fancy hotels are the absolute best...lots of people are meandering in and out, and those in the hotel typically have rooms...so just walk like you belong to avoid the concierge and aim for the wings...a sure fire safe haven guarentee is if this hotel has a second floor mezzanie area with conference rooms.

The Hilton in downtown Austin has the most amazing handicapped stall on the second floor...just the stall is bigger than my office.

Quoner · July 2, 2008

How do you categorize the guy who proudly plays brick breaker on his blackberry at full volume while pooping?

We have an unidentified colleague doing this and there is much debate if he is a villain or hero...

LongJim · July 2, 2008

We have an unidentified colleague doing this and there is much debate if he is a villain or hero...

I'll go him one better. I was walking through the hallway at work a few weeks ago, and a friend of mine came out of the bathroom (5-holer btw)--which I had exited a few minutes earlier--and caught up to me and remarked: "Wow. It smells like an animal died in there."

I laughed and replied: "I think that was me. You do know what happens in there, right?" :lol:

Green P1 · July 3, 2008

How do you categorize the guy who proudly plays brick breaker on his blackberry at full volume while pooping?
We have an unidentified colleague doing this and there is much debate if he is a villain or hero...

It depends, is he relying on brick breaker to alleviate the awkwardness of the office poop, or is he bogarding the crapper as a means to break some blocks?

Green P1 · July 3, 2008

Now that we've learned the terminology, lets find out how rewarding it can actually be!!!!

http://www.workpoop.com/

From now on whenever I'm doing that dirtiest of all deeds I at work, I'll just think about the $2496...........

Edited July 3, 2008 by Green P1

FirefightnRick · July 3, 2008

Thank God I work at a firehall. You check your pride in at the front door when the shift begins. From then on it's a 24 hour competition and anything and everything is acceptable and actually encouraged.

Rick

Censored by Laurie · July 3, 2008

You check your pride in at the front door when the shift begins. From then on it's a 24 hour competition and anything and everything is acceptable and actually encouraged.

greenminer · July 3, 2008

This is what makes the board bearable during the offseason.

Charlie NT 73 · July 3, 2008

Was the term "prairie doggin", or "turtle neckin" mention? This means

a 911, get the hell out of the way, I'm going in!

When I was going through bootcamp with the NAVY, the "head" had a row of 20

gleeming porcelain white lid-less crappers with no stall partitions. There

was no room to be shy early in the morning when 25 men all go to the

head at the same time. Talk about a symphony of sounds and aromas!

There were no "office rules" to follow, only get in and get out!

Censored by Laurie · July 3, 2008

There was no room to be shy when 25 men all go to the head at the same time.

Cut and paste is fun

Quoner · July 3, 2008

It depends, is he relying on brick breaker to alleviate the awkwardness of the office poop, or is he bogarding the crapper as a means to break some blocks?

See - that is the question we have right now. If we could only get shoes or some clue to tip us off to the identity, that would help us form a conclusion. We might need to convince someone to step up and be a turd burglar for everyone's sanity.

On a side note, we also have a weird layout to our office where the bathroom can cut you through the middle of the office quicker, which I think leads to more problems and awkward detection incidents.

Finally, I am hoping today is the day to give the work poop site a try.

untcampbell · July 3, 2008

Like CBL, I am a safe haven guy.

Unlike Charlie, I would have been fragged if I had done military duty (doodie). Or I would have had to hold it in for my entire tour.

First, I require CLEAN, so Fouts is out of the question. I have had to leave football games, plays, etc (literally leave the venue) in search of a clean and private bathroom. The Sheraton, also known as the Heratoi because the S and part of the N was permanently unlit, had a pretty quiet and clean bathroom across from Fouts, back in the day. The Radisson was not as clean, but was quieter. The Super Pit bathrooms are usually clean but require finesse as I tend to avoid a bathroom with ANYONE in it. If this is the only option, I will likely be there in the last two minutes of the second half.

The hotel is a great find, CBL, but I focus on lodgings that have large meeting space, especially in the evening when all meetings are usually completed and the bathrooms are at their cleanest. Pick up a USA Today (never pay for that newspaper) or a Wall Street Journal near the front desk on the way back and you are set for hours. Generally, hotels that provide BOTH the USA Today and the WSJ have cleaner facilities. If the local paper is also available, you have hit a home run.

Another road possibility, as I travel a lot, is the random generic 8-story office building. Look out front for the "Now Leasing" sign that indicates vacant office space and perhaps a quiet floor.

Mastering the AWAY mud slide is of great benefit. For frequent travelers, time your on the road eliminations to minimize damage to home fixtures and wallpaper.

Instructions for public disposal:

Avoid the morning WC visit. This is the most common time of day for public defacation. Many slacking employees "time" their visits to the Loo as a work event, snickering as they "get paid to poop." This theory was recently validated in a landmark study, published in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA). In a double-masked, multi-centered, randomized controlled trial, subjects were interviewed to ascertain what time they most commonly eliminated. "At work" subjects (n=1003) were more likely to defacate at a different time on the weekend than those that pooped at home (n=1017). Have you thought about it?

Upon entry into any bathroom, listen for the CAMO COUGH, a warning flare gift from a fellow enlighted pooper. If no cough, listen for the shuffle of newspaper, toilet paper or zipper deployment. To assure the coast is clear, take a quick glance under the stalls while standing as far away from the stalls as space allows. If all is clear, open each stall door to find the cleanest throne. If even one toilet is soiled or stopped up, abandon this bathroom and resume your search, preferably on the floor above your current location. If all stalls are clean, choose the stall furthest from the door. Only use the handicap stall if it is the cleanest (or if you are handicapped).

Upon entrance into the stall, MAKE SURE the stall is locked and completely secure. This is for your protection as well as the unsuspecting future pooper. If you have a brief case or luggage, place it inside the stall against the door. Continue stall assessment, CSI style to assure no pubes or urine drops decorate the seat. If more than one of either, abandon this stall and look for another option. Do NOT lift the seat, if it is already down and clean. If this stall is otherwise meticulously clean, but you find a single hair or drop, wad up enough toilet paper so that there is absolutely no chance of the offensive material reaching your skin. Clean seat thoroughly, dispose in toilet and flush. This is especially important if the seat is the increasingly common U-shape. Make sure the porcelain portion of the toilet exposed by the incomplete toilet seat is clean.

Do not let your hangy-downies touch any part of the toilet while sitting, or upon exit.

Flush early and often. This is no time to worry about the water shortages out West. If you subscribe to the inter-use flush, STAND UP to prevent splash back of the fecal or urinary waste. Make sure no tail is still exposed before standing. If you anticipate a heavy bomb, pre-loading the bowl with a padded layer of toilet paper is allowed to soften the blow and minimize splash.

The newspaper is multi-purposed. Use to alert newcomers or as protection from he who searches for a clean stall by looking through the crack of the stall door. Newspapers may be left for future patrons, but not left on the floor. Never read a newspaper that has been left on the floor by a previous pooper. A blue light would reveal numerous body fluids that, if not yours, should never be touched. Recommended reading: Sports first: ALWAYS. After that, the WSJ personal finance section always satisfies. Both provide light reading that allows focus on dropping the kids off at the pool. Magazines are unacceptable as public bathroom reading material. The slick pages do not make enough noise to alert the uninformed. The diminutive nature of the periodical does not provide full protection from the peering patron and users are tempted to discard the business reply cards straight to the floor.

If the event in question was caused by stomach upset, diarrhea, bad sushi, etc. , remove ALL clothing if you are completely confident of your immediate safety and privacy, in order to cool down as quickly as possible. Expel the offending agent promptly and thoroughly to begin the recovery process. Wipe brow as needed (make sure the paper you use for brow drying has not been used elsewhere). Try to read your newspaper as a distraction technique but job number one should be to maintain focus on cleansing the system.

Like the outdoorsman, always leave your campsite better than when you got there. Assure your seat is clean, police your pubes and darn it, don't urinate on the seat. EXCEPTION: if you enter a stall to urinate only and the seat is not entirely clean, your clean up is not required. Do not add to the damage but do not clean. Urine elimination is allowed in a stall ONLY if the urinals are not isolated by dividers.

Be aware of the automated flushing unit. The red light may conceal an observer.

Green P1 · July 3, 2008

If the event in question was caused by stomach upset, diarrhea, bad sushi, etc. , remove ALL clothing if you are completely confident of your immediate safety and privacy, in order to cool down as quickly as possible.

What?