Michigan's 2008 Season Opener

UNTflyer · September 6, 2007

ANN ARBOR

—In the wake of their embarrassing loss to Division 1-AA Appalachian State, Michigan has announced they will play the Barton Hills Blue Birds of the Ann Arbor-area under 10 youth division in next year's season opener.

Appalachian State, of the Football Championship Subdivision (formerly called Division 1-AA), beat the fifth ranked Wolverines despite the fact that Michigan had virtually all their starters returning on offense and were expected to compete for Big Ten and national titles this year.

"Sure, the media thought we were good," said a dejected Lloyd Carr. "But I see us practice everyday. I knew how bad we really were. That's why we tried to schedule as lightly as possible.

"But still I really believed a Division 1-AA team would be horrible enough for even us to beat. Christ, we have 24 more scholarships, millions more dollars, better players, better coaches, and a crowd of over 110,000 loyal fans behind us.

"However, I underestimated three major things: the heart of Appalachian St, the level of talent in Division 1-AA, and exactly how bad the University of Michigan sucks."

Carr was clearly upset but said he would use the loss as a lesson:

"The egos of our players are very fragile right now. Next year we're hoping to gain confidence by starting the season by beating up on a bunch of 9 year old kids and then building up to Division 1-AA football."

A reporter suggested they perhaps start with a Division III team as opposed to a team half their age, a quarter their size, and more concerned with where they're going to get pizza after the game than winning.

Carr responded, "We're not taking any chances. Frankly, I think a team like Mt. Union would have beaten us by 3 touchdowns."

And that's why Carr has chosen the Blue Birds.

"We've already done the research. They're the worst Pee Wee football team in the area, they didn't complete a single pass last year, and their leading rusher is a girl. So I'm fairly certain we can take them.

"But we're not going to show any mercy. Being a Wolverine means always giving your best effort, regardless of whether you're tackling a Heisman winner in the Rose Bowl or body slamming a 9 year old girl."

But this was the last season opener for several seniors and they seemed saddened that they blew their last shot.

"I've lost to Ohio State every year, but this is the one that really stings," said running back Michael Hart. "I wish I could come back for another year just to play in the season opener. I really want to redeem myself. God it'd feel good to beat the shit out of those little kids."

But redemption may come soon for Hart and the Wolverines. Their opponent in two weeks will be a definite downgrade from Division 1-AA when they face the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. Edited September 6, 2007 by UNTflyer

greenminer · September 6, 2007

Good luck with that. That Blue Bird running back can already be seen putting a Washington Redskin behind them. How can Michigan expect to play with a bunch of kids that are blowing by the NFL?