North vs. South

[eulesseagle]

Southern Football VS. Northern Football

Women's Accessories:

NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in

the front pocket.

SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks,

waterproof mascara, and a fifth of Captain

Morgan/Crown. Money is not necessary -

that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size:

NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20, 000

people.

SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20, 000

people.

Campus Decor:

NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.

SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:

NORTH: Also physics major.

SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Cheerleaders:

NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make

the varsity squad.

SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete

with ballet, dance, & gymnastic training.

Getting Tickets:

NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the

ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.

SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the

ticket office on campus & put name on the waiting

list.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:

NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're

going to the game, because they have classes on

Friday.

SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because

they don't want to see the few hung-over students

that might actually make it to class.

Parking:

NORTH: An hour before game time, the University

opens the campus for game parking.

SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin

arriving on Wednesday for the weekend

festivities. The really faithful arrive on

Tuesday.

Game Day:

NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch

ESPN on TV.

SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for

breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is

broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and

wave to the idiots up north.

Tailgating:

NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it,

listening to local radio station with truck

tailgate down.

SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up

at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance

by "Dave Matthews' Band, " who comes over during

breaks and asks for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:

NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you

find it, you walk right in.

SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On

game day it becomes the state's third largest

city.

Concessions:

NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to

the top with soda.

SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the

home team's mascot on it, filled less than

halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for

Captain Morgan/Crown.

When National Anthem is Played:

NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less

than half of them stand up.

SOUTH: 100, 000 fans, all standing, sing along in

perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air after the First Score:

NORTH: Nothing changes.

SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of Captain

Morgan/Crown.

Commentators:

NORTH: "Nice play."

SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sonabitch - tackle him and

break his legs!"

Commentary (Female):

NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."

SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sonabitch - tackle him and

break his legs!"

Announcers:

NORTH: Neutral and paid.

SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the

fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is

so proud of his team.

After the Game:

NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game

ends.

SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker.

While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next week's game.