How about some "NEW RULES" for 2006

SilverEagle · January 11, 2006

NEW RULES FOR 2006:

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,

you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If

you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a

redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top

is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the

jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande

half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread

cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one

NutraSweet,".... ooooh, you're such a huge jerk.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my

card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Girl! Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive flatulents? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old, television shows then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for

weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months."! "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese

pollock · January 12, 2006

Ah, the greatness of Bill Mahr. FYI, his show ought to be back on HBO any day now, if not already.

SilverEagle · January 12, 2006

Ah, the greatness of Bill Mahr. FYI, his show ought to be back on HBO any day now, if not already.
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It starts again in February.

Here is a new rule that references our favorite school.......Baylor.

New Rule: Words printed on a coffee cup will not turn you gay.

A Baylor University dining contractor has banned Starbucks cups that have a quote from a gay author. Listen, breeders, you can't get AIDS from a Styrofoam container. And besides, if you're holding a double half-caf, vanilla mocha latte, extra foam sprinkled with nutmeg, you're already gay!

DeepGreen · January 12, 2006

It starts again in February.
Here is a new rule that references our favorite school.......Baylor.
New Rule: Words printed on a coffee cup will not turn you gay.
A Baylor University dining contractor has banned Starbucks cups that have a quote from a gay author. Listen, breeders, you can't get AIDS from a Styrofoam container. And besides, if you're holding a double half-caf, vanilla mocha latte, extra foam sprinkled with nutmeg, you're already gay!
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Although that's some funny stuff, Bill Mahers is an idiot.

SilverEagle · January 12, 2006

Although that's some funny stuff, Bill Mahers is an idiot.
←

He's an irreverent smart-a$$, but he's not an idiot.

New Rule: Stop introducing a new iPod every month.

First came the original, then the Mini, then the Shuffle, now the Nano. It's so slim Kate Moss uses it to cut her cocaine.

SilverEagle · January 12, 2006

And then we have my all-time favorite.

New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At ExxonMobil, we care about a thriving wildlife."

Please, the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is that they would both steal French fries from a baby.

Edited January 12, 2006 by SilverEagle