Hysterical Norman Chad column

[SUMG]

For the 39th consecutive year, they played the Super Bowl; for the 39th consecutive year, I watched it. There was the usual array of quirky commercials, replay reversals and ex-presidents, and, in the end, the New England Patriots established themselves as the most unlikely dynasty since the Van Patten clan ran roughshod over Hollywood in the mid 1980s.

Anyway, I took notes.

1:25 p.m.: If I knew Tim McCarver was going to show up on Super Bowl Sunday, I would've watched Kung Pow: Enter the Fist on FX instead.

1:42: Here's the thing about Terry Bradshaw: In the 17th century, he might have been the village idiot; in the 21st century, he's a potential running mate for Hillary Clinton.

1:57: Frankly, Kelly Clarkson on that pregame stage didn't exactly give me that Beatles-on-the-Ed Sullivan Show feel.

2:33: We get a preview of the upcoming Fox Soccer Channel. Thanks for the warning.

3:59: They just ran a Heineken commercial that scared me more than Apocalypse Now.

4:13: At my MLS Cup party, I remember drinking too much Yoo-hoo.

4:38: Bill Belichick swears by Sun Tzu's treatise The Art of War. Couch Slouch swears by Gallagher's concert film, Gallagher — Melon Crazy.

5:31: If they wait any longer until kickoff, the NHL season might even start.

5:34: We probably could fix Social Security for less money than we spend on the Super Bowl coin toss.

5:38: To be honest, I wouldn't have been surprised to see Terrell Owens playing if he were in a body cast.

5:46: My neighbor says I make too much noise when I'm watching football. Yeah, like she doesn't shout during Iron Chef.

6:16: One of my ex-wives calls in the second quarter. Of the Super Bowl. Needless to say, this is one of the reasons she is one of my ex-wives.

6:17: By the way, the next time I'm married, I'm including the TV Guide subscription in the pre-nup.

6:22: Best I can tell, we are a nation of Taco Bells, Pizza Huts and Subways. I'm not sure this is what the framers of the constitution had in mind.

6:39: If I promise to watch every show Fox promotes, will Fox promise to stop showing me the promos?

6:41: Man, Cris Collinsworth sure can yap it up.

6:41:30: You know, but I discovered a long time ago — you put a nut in front of a squirrel, he eats it; you put a microphone in front of a broadcaster, he talks into it.

6:48: Actually, I thought Freddie Mitchell looked pretty good in warmups.

6:52: If Belichick's a genius, how come he can't wear a headset right?

6:58: Hey, careerbuilder.com — let's see what you can do with my résumé and references.

7:20: When they introduce "Sir" Paul McCartney at halftime, my Super Bowl guests — the Captain and Tennille — openly snicker.

7:46: With 11:26 to go in Super Bowl XIV, Vince Ferragamo threw an incomplete on third-and-8. It remains the only play in Super Bowl history I have missed.

7:54: Sure, Tom Brady has his Super Bowl rings, the actress girlfriend and movie-star looks. I have TiVo.

8:25: Nothing personal against Robert Kraft, but I hate seeing rich people high-five.

8:53: Is it possible the Eagles left their no-huddle offense at the hotel?

9:15: If you look up "uphill" in the dictionary, you'll see a photo of the Eagles on their 4-yard line with 46 seconds left and no timeouts, trailing New England by three.

9:16: Just think — if the Patriots had been around in the 1400s, they might have given the Ming a run for its money.

Ask the Slouch

Q: Do you believe Phil Jackson will return to coach the Lakers?

BENJAMIN FRANK

Amsterdam, N.Y.

A: I believe Phil Jackson will relocate to Nepal, live in a straw duplex hut and open a holistic hardware store before he returns to coach the Lakers.

Q: With the increase in injuries to players hit in the face with penalty markers, do you think it would be a good idea for the NFL to switch from yellow flags to lemon meringue pies?

TERRY KANE

Ravenna, Ohio

A: Pay the man, Shirley.

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