January 4th Norman Chad column

[SUMG]

(This is the weekly column written by syndicated columnist Norman Chad):

These are 24 (more) facts, tried and true, about the widening world of sports television:

1 — One day — and something tells me this won't happen in my lifetime — the breakup of ESPN will rival

the breakup of the Soviet Union.

2 — T-Mobile has a new cell-phone promotion: "Couples Talk Free." To be honest, this doesn't sound like such a good idea.

3 — Even though it's a medical improbability, I get a canker sore every time I watch I, Max.

4 — You know that look Tony Soprano has when he emerges from bed after a night of bad dreams? I wake up that way every week after Big Monday.

5 — The moment someone starts the Bowling Network, I'm a 24-7 shut-in.

6 — If he gets any more irritating, Dr. Phil is going to wind up on Crossfire or Around the Horn.

7 — I recently stumbled across the wedding video from my first marriage and completely had forgotten that Charlie Jones did the play-by-play.

8 — Who knew that the "P" in ESPN stood for poker?

(Radio Days I: Nothing's better than when you're on Interstate 70, driving through Pennsylvania or Ohio, and the truckers are bearing down on you and there's an SUV posse every which way and you're, oh, maybe, one bad lane change away from road rage and, suddenly, a basketball or baseball game comes across your AM dial, and, static and all, soothes the soul for the next hour or so.)

9 — I will jump into Lake Michigan with a DVD player on my back before I watch a single nanosecond of The Amazing Race or Aaron Brown.

10 — Today: Nanny 911 on Fox. Tomorrow: Vitale 911 on ESPN.

11 — Whenever he retires from broadcasting, you've

got to figure Craig Sager can parcel off his wardrobe on eBay.

12 — Lately, I fancy Red Vines and Slim Jims, aka "The Dark Side of Atkins Diet."

13 — I saw Vince Cellini on the Golf Channel the other day. I thought he had left the country.

14 — One of the times I was married, I had to put an "Authorized Personnel Only" sign on the remote.

15 — Tony Siragusa always looks like he's about to say something interesting. And then he opens his mouth.

16 — Sooner or later, I wouldn't be surprised if ESPN buys the rights to the sunset.

(Radio Days II: I hate it when a friend borrows your car for a day and changes the presets on the radio. That's like coming into someone's home and rearranging their furniture.)

17 — I have never smoked marijuana, and that, I believe, impairs my ability to appreciate Bill Walton.

18 — Sometimes, at 2 or 3 in the morning, I'll stop on an infomercial if it looks like it has a good story line.

19 — I crunched some numbers and it wasn't pretty: Since 1970, I have spent 1,750 hours watching Monday Night Football and 17 hours reading great literature.

19A — I crunched some other numbers and it also wasn't pretty: Ahmad Rashad has spent more time in my living room than all of my spouses combined.

20 — Oddly enough, sometimes I miss NBC Sports.

21 — Camera phones are nice, but I'd prefer a microwave oven with TiVo.

22 — The late Don Drysdale had a rule: "You hit one of ours, I hit two of yours." I wish that applied to watching sports on television.

23 — If there's an afterlife, I'm assuming everything will be pay-per-view.

Ask the Slouch

Q: I watched Celebrity Blackjack on GSN the other night — with not one but three Baldwin brothers — and actually liked it. My question is simple: Why?

JERRY NASSAN

Lincoln Park, N.J.

A: Is there is a more dashing figure in American culture today than a Baldwin brother at a blackjack table? I think not.

Q: I see Illinois hired Ron Zook as its head football coach. Is fireronzook.com up and running again?

BRENDAN WALSH

Chicago

A: I love it when readers do my job for me.

Q: Will Vinny Testaverde's Social Security count against the Cowboys' salary cap next season?

ROGER FIERST

Cleveland

A: Pay the man, Shirley.

Q: Did you make a New Year's resolution?

LARRY LASS

Houston

A: The same one I make every year — no TV on weekends.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25.

[Eagle since birth]

Wow great article, where do you find his column?

[SUMG]

Wow great article, where do you find his column?

Go to www.houstonchronicle.com

Once on the front page click on Sports........there on the left of the Sports Page are the columnists which they have on staff, or carry (Norman is syndicated).

If you go on there, you can read his archived columns (several months worth). Norman is very funny, IMHO.......and each week his column makes me LOL at least a couple of times (sometimes more).

Norman is also the color commentator on ESPN's poker coverage. And from the promos, you can see Norman has a role (maybe as himself) in the upcoming ESPN drama series about poker called "Tilt."

The Houston chronicle online edition, usually has Norman's newest weekly column posted on Tuesday of the week.

Edited January 4, 2005 by SUMG